From an anonymous friend-To our girls, the teens, and the inbetweens.

A letter to young women,

It is my belief that teen pregnancy isn't mainly caused by "accidents". Not only from my experience but also from my friends and family, I have learned, as women we have a desire to become pregnant at a young age for many different reasons. I remember being 16, with my boyfriend (now husband) and I would occasionally *forget* to take my pill. Actually, I would *forget* to take my pill pretty often. I would take trips to planned parenthood to get pregnancy tests, telling my friends and boyfriend, "I hope I'm not pregnant". But when that test came back negative, there would be a part of me that was disappointed. I see it all the time that my friends or even my own sister will often say things like, "I think I might be pregnant. I missed a pill last month." Or ask me questions like, "Did you still get your period in your first month of being pregnant?", followed by how they hope they aren't pregnant. I would believe they didn't want to be pregnant if they didn't do this every other month and if I, myself didn't play that game as well… I am very ashamed to admit that.

There are many different reasons for why this happens and it's mostly about how we view ourselves, our relationships and our lifestyles. For me, I was pretty bored, didn't have friends and didn't get much attention from my family or my boyfriend; plus, I always wanted to be a mom. I would see pregnant girls and admire them. They get to have the baby bump, go shopping for their baby, talk about becoming a mom with others, and soon have a newborn baby to take care of and love. I knew if I had a baby, I would have a purpose and my life would feel full. I would think that only stupid, irresponsible girls couldn't handle being moms. I had a responsible and loving boyfriend and I knew he would take care of me if I were to get pregnant. I would hear the phrase, "A baby changes everything" and get excited rather than discouraged. I knew it would change everything and that's what I wanted!

Luckily, I did not become a teen mom, even after all of that. In fact, I married my boyfriend and he is the only one I've ever slept with. We were very young when we got married; I was 18 and he was 19. About a year after being married, I thought to myself, "Ok, you're married, you have health insurance, a home, and you are financially stable. That's plenty reason to have a baby." I talked to my husband and he agreed to start trying. Incredibly, I went off birth control for a month and found out I was pregnant on my 20th birthday. I was thrilled!

Fast forward to today, almost 6 years later….

I have 2 daughters, one 5 and the other 3. My husband and I are still married, we have 2 cars, own a home and we are financially stable. I even own my own business I run from home so I can be with my girls all day. My husband is in the military so we are very financially secure. Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? For the most part it is! It's exactly what I pictured when I was that 16 year old girl. "So what's the issue", you ask? Well, let me start with, my husband didn't actually want to get married and have kids. He feels he was pressured into it all. When he found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, he said, "Huh, didn't think it would happen that fast." He found himself frustrated when I would get sick during both of my pregnancies and react negatively towards me. Sex dissipated during my second pregnancy due to being tired and taking care of a toddler which also made our marriage unbearable at the time… he even talked about leaving me. Worse, he doesn't want to spend time as a family and has hardly bonded with my youngest since the day she was born. He has admittedly said he regrets getting married and having kids. He recently got a vasectomy because he doesn't want anymore children, even though I would want nothing more than to have another one. Now he is dealing with the idea of never "sowing his wild oats" and is thinking of leaving me. There goes our wonderful life and the future I had planned.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though. Let me go back to being a new mom at 20 years old. I had figured, because I was married, my pregnancy would be completely accepted by everyone around me. In reality, my family was disappointed in me and my friends didn't understand. People at my work and people I didn't know would treat me as if I was an unmarried teenager who got pregnant on accident. In one instance, my co-worker came up to me and said, "I think it's a really great thing that you are having your baby." At first I didn't understand what she meant, but then realized she thought my baby was an accident. It just got worse after having my daughter. Other moms would treat me differently because they were 5, 10, 15 years older than I was. They would talk to me as if I didn't know what I was doing, when in fact I was the over prepared mom who read everything that could be read about pregnancy and infant care. I was a bit jealous of them because they had waited to have their babies. They worked hard before hand, were educated, had big beautiful weddings, had gone on trips with their husbands, had big houses and cars, dressed nice, and their babies had everything they would ever need. Most of all, they had husbands that were ready and happy to have a baby. When I would meet new people, it was difficult for me to tell them I had children because their first reaction was always, "You're too young to have kids!" Not the best feeling in the world.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my daughters for the entire universe!! I just wish I had waited another 5 years before having them. Sadly, I know my husband and I wouldn't be together if we hadn't had the girls to keep us striving to make it work. The only peace I have is knowing it's all a part of God's plan and it is all making me a better person in the long run. I now have the experience and wisdom to talk to other young women about waiting for marriage and parenthood. Being pregnant and having a baby is a wonderful thing, but just imagine how much more wonderful it will be when you have a husband who is also ready to have kids and you have everything you would need to provide for your children! You will be able to jump into it, completely ready and no reason to regret it. It will be an experience you can enjoy to it's fullest! Lastly, take a moment to think, "If this woman has a husband who was responsible, loved her and said he wanted to have a family, then turned against her; what will happen to me if I have a baby with someone I'm not married to, who is not responsible and doesn't want a baby?" Let me tell you, he will be gone faster than you can say, "I'm pregnant". Don't let yourself or your children become someone else's regret and burden. You are worth so much more than that!

Please, if you find yourself wanting a baby at a young age, talk to someone and ask yourself what it is you are missing from your life. A baby shouldn't come into this world just because you had a hole that only a baby can fill. A baby should be born because it is an extension of your family and you are more than prepared to give them the best life ever! Love is not enough to care for your baby and be a good parent. I know because I had all the love in the world and it hasn't been enough… I can't love them enough to replace my husband's regret. A baby is not going to make a man love you the way you want. A baby is going to take more attention from you than it will give. Being a mom is not glamourous. No matter how much time you spend on your hair and make-up, or how much you spend on clothes and stylish diaper bags, you will always be viewed as "a woman with kids" by any man, including your husband. Don't let those things ruin your life and I beg you not to allow those things to ruin the lives of your children! They deserve so much more! A good mother is one who will put her children before herself in any situation… this can be done long before they are born. Take care of your body, prepare your marriage to be strong, work hard, save money and enjoy being a young woman!! Then you will be the happy mom you will need to be in order to be a great parent for your kids.

Please take this to heart and let your future be bright!

Love,

A Young Momma