It is one of the most difficult things to compromise: our needs vs. our wants. Big and small, they seem to overlap, over-extend, or outweigh one from the other.
When looking at the big scheme of things, I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to make every single moment count. I want to live big and grand and take chances. At the same time, it is necessary to take a step back, to slow down, to make plans for the future. As a matter of consequence, being able to live every moment as though it were your last does not always accommodate for what is required in pursuing a more long term goal.
In personal relationships it is much the same. Saying or doing anything and everything that flutters through one's mind is not always recommended if one wishes to sustain said relationship. One often has to step back and reassess what is important. Be it friends, family, or lovers, all are subject to the same rules of thumb.
My father tried to explain to me at an early age that it was of the utmost importance that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. He encouraged me to follow my dreams, demanded I pursue an education and wanted me to enable myself to be as independent as possible. Did I listen? Of course not. I was young and full of love and whimsy and was certain I knew better. In the long run, what do I wish I had done? Listened to daddy.
Today I'm still trying to accomplish these things I set out to do over 10 years ago. To finalize my independence and discover myself and be reliant only unto myself. And still, because I am one of the lucky ones who has always had a loved one to lean on, I find myself falling back into old patterns, and allow those who dare to help me to continue to do so. Sometimes its okay. Sometimes its not.
I want support. I need to learn how to do it on my own. Its a tough call. There are some matters that lay outside the realm of my control in many respects, where I have had to rely on those people in my life to pick up the slack. In lieu of that, I try my very best to do the same for others whenever and however I can. But in all honesty, I'm not always as steadfast as I should be in forcing myself to maintain control of my own life.
I want to continue to work towards my dreams. I need to solidify my current situation. I have to make sure that my day to day life is provided for, no matter how much I wish to pursue other goals for the future. Somewhere, I hope to find that happy medium.
Somewhere between being a romantic and idealist, I must be a realist and not codependent on those around me to sustain my happiness. My life is my own, and taking control of it is a lesson I continue to learn in the hardest of ways.
I'm a woman and a mother. I want to take care of people. I want to be taken care of. But all any of us really need, is people around us that believe in us enough to remind us we can take care of ourselves. “Surround yourself with people who believe in you.” ~ Brian Koslow
Its funny to think, at nearly thirty, I'm still laughing at myself and saying, “I should have listened to my daddy.”
